It has now been two weeks since I had the flu. It has been two weeks since I felt I had any energy. It has been two weeks since I was not severely nauseated.
I have been off of dairy products now six weeks and I see no change in how I feel. So my take is that I do not have dairy allergies! I am expecting my LLMD to agree and to allow dairy products back into my diet!
Oh how I miss my cheeses. However, I can't help but wonder if the last six weeks of no dairy has contributed to the added weight loss. Gosh I am down an additional six pounds... a woman's dream is to loose weight!! Not like this though! I am not at all suffering from malnutrition! No I eat pretty doggone good if you ask me. I guess though it is what I am eating that has made the difference.
I have cut my carbs way, way back. I hardly have any sugar...even have cut my fruits back a lot. I eat way more protein and veggies compared to what I used to consume! Yes I was a huge carb eater. The recent no dairy took away my vanilla ice cream...Oh I really miss that one scoop several nights a week! I just can't eat Soy ice cream; its way to sweet tasting for me!
I do have some pretty nasty issues with my stomach. I am anxious to find out if these issues are related to all the pills I ingest everyday. I recently counted with prescription meds and over the counter supplements some 53 odd pills I take everyday! No wonder I am so nauseated all the time! Yet before I started on the medication/supplement regime I suffered with the nausea.
This leads me to think that this blasted bacteria has hit my gut and hit it hard! I am not sure what the new plan of action will be to conquer this issue. I do know we need to get a better game plan for me regarding this!
I know also that depression is common for Lyme sufferers. I hate to admit it but I think it has made a visit to me. Since having had the flu I find I am extremely sensitive. Why hubby jokingly said to me the other day after I said I was sick of being sick..."I'm sick of hearing you be sick of being sick" I was crushed. No I was mortified!! It took me a few days to bounce back from his comment. Once I opened up to him about how hurt I was he then felt awful and said he was only joking with me. Poor guy I made his life miserable for a few days...LOL it did feel good!!
His comment really did make me stop and take a look at how I am handling this disease emotionally. It has been 5 1/2 years of dealing with this. Five and a half years of body ache, muscle spasms, stomach issues, vision issues, speech issues, fatigue issues, bowel and bladder issues, skin issues, walking issues, cognitive issues and I am sure there is more to list; however, they escape me at the moment! I have definitely put up a good fight so far. I know I am far from the finish line of this battle. Yet knowing all of that does not make it any easier to face tonight.
Tonight I am sick of being sick. Tonight I am feeling a bit sad for me. A bit sad for my hubby and family. Sad that I don't have the stamina to do all the things I so badly long for. I ran into a coworker last night. While it was great to see her, I found I longed to be back in the office. I so miss working. So many of us identify ourselves through our work. I loved working. It was something I excelled at. I don't mean to sound arrogant but I was good at what I did. I guess I am now trying to redefine who I am. I know I am so much more than an office administrator!
I feel sad that there is no cure for Lyme disease. I feel scared that the protocol I am on is so hard on my body. Yet I understand the reasons why I must do what I am doing.
If I want to be well I have to do this. If I want to see the day where I no longer suffer all the above mentioned ailments....I have to do this. Oh sure I have a choice. I could ignore all that I now know. I could just go back to eating all the carbs and sugars I used to. I could stop the antibiotics and supplements/probiotics...but I know in my heart then that the bacterias within me would win. My days on this earth would no doubt be shortened.
I fight the depression and the anger that comes with facing this disease. I look in the mirror and embrace the tired woman who looks back at me. I love her enough to do what is best for her. I take my handful of meds with my glass of water and pray that soon I will be on an upward swing. I pray that my LLMD will have encouraging words to help me through the lull. I embrace those in my life that constantly uplifting me when I feel defeated. I do my best to return the kindness when they are in need.
I also realize that it is not just the disease that has me down. Also the recent loss of our beloved "Rockie" still stings deeply at my heart. It is so painful to loose a pet. It has only been a month. Our new puppy Mandie is such a love! She has added so much joy and laughter to our lives. It is as someone recently pointed out to me "the bitter sweet"
I know that this is life.
I also know a good portion of what I feel is also the ugly part of Lyme disease. The the reality of Lyme disease is not always easy to face. This is the road I walk lately. I know it's OK to feel what I feel. I would not be normal if I did not go through these peaks and lows...I know these feelings of frustration and sadness will pass.
I am well aware that this is the roller coaster of Life and living with Lyme disease.