There is Light There is Hope

It has been no picnic being off my antibiotics now for nearly 3 weeks. It was nearly three weeks ago that I completed the prescribed ten day round of Levaquin. The pain in my legs remain. My right leg has been so bad that it often makes it difficult to sleep at night. The best way to describe this pain would be to say that it feels as if someone has taken a knife plunged it into my leg all the way to the bone and then ripped it all the way up and down the side of the leg. Unbelievable!

It is so easy to allow yourself to get caught up into where your body is at. I find so much comfort in hanging out on my chair and ottoman with my butterfly blanket and snoozing. I guess that makes up for the lack of sleep during the night. However, I don't allow myself to enjoy this for long. My psychologist recently told me I don't take very good care of myself. I am too busy managing our household and financial stuff and everything else I can think of. I think its called avoidance!

I have given this quite a bit of thought. Sadly I have to admit she is right. At times when I ought to be resting I am at my keyboard researching stuff. If I don't allow myself to rest then I don't have to honestly face this disease and the implications it has had on my body and life.

Lately I have been fighting with the bank. Fighting to see if I can get our mortgage modified. This has been a nightmare for me. I have always taken such big pride in paying our bills on time...I have never been late with anything. I am sure that has to do with the perfectionist within me. We were not even late when I approached the bank to modify our loan. Yet I knew with my State Disability ending and my medical bills that things were going to get tougher for my husband and I.

I am sad to report that the news coverage of how the "big" banks are not helping folks with the modifications is true. We are one of the ones that they continue to string along. I even managed to get our file all the way to the office of my banks president! Yet it has done us very little good. Oh they did temporarily modify our loan for three months. Only to slap us with late fees and penalties while they were supposedly working with us! Their response was "it's computer generated and unfortunately nothing we can do" Doesn't someone have to input the information into the computer system? This has become nothing short of a nightmare! Only to find out also that the banks different departments don't talk to each other. If you have a first and second neither department knows what the other one is doing! Cologne take me away!!!

When I was denied the first time by Social Security I really got scared. When the second denial came through panic hit full force along with a bit of depression. I can't help but wonder why? Why does our government make it so difficult for those of us who really need the benefits to get them? Even with all the letters all my medical professionals have submitted on my behalf!! I can't help but ponder over and over again why some folks get benefits so easy and then folks like me are denied! I get frustrated hearing over and over that this is how the system works. You have to continue to apply. That they deny everyone the first time! My husband has a brain injury and they denied him...that was twelve years ago and we had to get a lawyer for him!!!

I am an honest person. I follow the rules. Yet lately I find myself actually feeling that maybe honesty is not the best answer. Where has it gotten me? My bank refuses to modify our loan. This seems so unfair. I am not asking them to forgive my obligations to them. I am asking for them to modify it so that we can afford to stay in our home and uphold our end of the bargain. With my husband disabled the house payment was my responsibility. I have been unable to work since 2008. I miss working. I excelled at my job. I was good at what I did. I took great pride in my position. I guess there is some guilt I have allowed to creep into my psyche that I am unable to work. I feel in a sense I have let us down.

Boy would I love to get my hands on the tick that bit me! Oh the things I would like to do to that stupid bug! Something so small has had a huge impact on my life! On our life!!

It's sad our government doesn't have the opportunity to get to know those of us asking for their support and help! Maybe then they would see just how difficult living with this disease and other disease's really is. I don't like to complain. Yet feel overwhelmed lately. When the government acknowledges that yes I have all these physical issues and then some yet still says " We feel however; you can still work" UGH shear frustration. I so want to work...I still say they ought to hire me! One of my doctors laughed at this the other day while at the same time letting me know yes my cognitive functions have decreased in the last year!

Yes I am venting. One of the privileges of having your own blog I guess. I want to reach out to folks today. I want to acknowledge how difficult it is for people when they are ill to maintain not only their daily lives but also everything else including running our households. It can be devastating at times; to be blunt.

I don't write a lot lately because I know depression and frustration have crept in. It's hard to write positive when you feel your world crashing in around you. Yet I stop look out my window and see the beautiful morning sky. Spring has allowed colors of the rainbow to pop up amongst all the flowers in bloom. I take a breath in and let it out and realize that I am not alone on this huge planet and that somewhere out there someone else unfortunately is going through if not the same similar struggles as me.

I find joy in Mandie our now nine month old Lab and Kona our 8 year Golden Retriever mix. I have a husband who loves me immensely and I him in return. I also have my faith. My faith is something I hold onto very tightly. I keep repeating to myself that if "he" brings you to it then "he" also will bring us through it. So in spite of the daily issues of this life there is light. There is hope. This is how I survive through all this muck lately.

If that is all I feel I have at this moment to hang on to then so be it. I know there will be an end to all of this someday. I then will be the victor! In the meantime I will continue to hound the bank for some help, see a lawyer to fight for my Social Security benefits and hang onto my Lord who sustains me along this path I have been unwillingly thrust onto.

And yes Carrie I will focus more on taking time for me. Time to relax, pamper and say "NO" more often...hmmm the latter will be a hard one to accomplish yet I promise to work on it!