I hadn't been to see my LLMD since the beginning of November...I missed my December appointment. In my defense there has been a lot going on in our lives the last few months. I honestly felt my medical issues could wait.
I am learning that this battle needs to take precedence on on levels. That for me is often difficult to do! It's easier to ignore the "special" dietary needs that come into play when one has Lyme. I have found that eating healthier and avoiding carbs and sugars takes a lot of mind energy for me. Especially when I am a stress eater...and Lord knows we have had a lot of stress going on! I am learning that I can't push my body like I always have. It will no longer let me. I am learning that the meds and supplements are key factors in this fight along with the diet!
It really has taken me a few months to process just how freaked out I was left after my husband had his grand mall seizure! More freaked when his neurologist turned to me, looked me square in the eyes and said " With the type of seizures he has they can kill him! They can stop his heart!" Right away I went out and bought walkie-talkies. Rationalizing that if I could not be right next to him I at least would know where he was at all times! I have been so worried that I won't even allow myself to go to bed earlier than him; for fear he might be downstairs and have a seizure and I won't hear him!
We also have had financial struggles. It's tough when you are used to that second income and then poof its gone. (I know almost all of America is in the same boat...our country is in sad shape; there can be no doubt about that!) However, for me this was another reason I had not been to see my LLMD. I felt we could not afford the office visits. I am fortunate to have medical insurance; however, my LLMD does not bill them. So I have to pay up front for my visits and then submit to our insurance for payment. So I made the decision to "hold off" on the December appointment.
I have been struggling. In every area of my life. Physically, Mentally and Emotionally.
Physically...my Lyme feels in of control. I am in constant pain. My feet shuffle more than they were. They had improved until recently. My hands feel swollen and stiff. Its hard to just turn the door handle to enter our home. Lifting my legs to dress takes a lot of thought. I have little or no energy. I am exhausted just walking up our stairs. About a month ago I had what I dubbed the "episode" where I had tremors in both arms and hands, my walking was off, talking was off...I was a mess for several hours!
Mentally...I can't find my desk! No matter how often I clean it! I can't seem to figure out exactly where all this paper is generating from!! I often don't recall conversations...I am only 51 yet I have to write everything down...or I will forget. Who called? What was the conversation?? Did I take my meds? Now this has been a biggie...I miss often a lot of meds and supplements! Not wise when one has Lyme...That's just giving the little buggers open contracts to rebuild strength! And at whose expense? MINE!!
Emotionally...I cry easy lately, and I am so irritable...are you shaking your head and saying "your depressed!" Yeah I think there is a little of that going on in there someplace! Anger too! I am tired of being sick. Tired of our life revolving around both of us not being well. Tired of being Tired!
What I realize is I have given up "my control" my "positive attitude" It had been coming on for a while. It crept up slowly and then BAM, BAM before I knew it...I was off protocol more than I was on! Even my weight increased up a bit...now if that isn't a dead give-away that something is up! LOL
After my visit with my LLMD yesterday I feel emotionally so much better! My BF Marla said to me " Every time you go to your LLMD he/she seems to renew your spirit" she continued on "You come back not feeling judged at all, but cared about and refocused"
Marla was right.
I didn't think my LLMD would work with me on any of my issues. I was wrong. I thought he/she would tell me I was making this difficult. I was wrong. I thought he/she would throw in the towel. I was wrong again. I guess this non-trust is the result from seeing so many different doctors and loosing trust. I was wrong. If I am to get well I have to remember (and this is crucial) that my LLMD and I are on the same "team" we are working together for a common goal; which is? My healing. My total healing!
I walked out with a new Rx plan and a refocused eating plan. I also felt (and always have) that this doctor genuinely cared about me. Not just my illness, but every part of my life. He/she let me know that. I was told that everything hubby and I are going through is so important to my getting well.
It is all entwined together. If we are to get well we have to work with ALL areas of our life. We have to be open also with those that care for us to include them. That way they understand the entire picture of where we are. Mindset and physical...they do so go together!
At times I may have to wait several hours to get in for my appointment; however, I am thankful for a LLMD who is not rushed with me when I come in. An LLMD who takes the time to listen and who lets me know honestly his/her concerns for me. This also resonates with the office staff too. They smile and welcome you openly. I don't care that I have to drive nearly 2 hours to get to my appointment. I told my LLMD yesterday as far as I am concerned I have the best of the best.
I am refocused and up to battle...I have my troops regrouped and we are ready...no matter how hard the fight is...and right now its pretty tough. I am reminded over and over again that Lyme Disease is a roller coaster ride. That you have days where you feel rejuvenated and days where you are totally spent and depleted!
Once again...I might be depleted but I am not defeated!!
A PERSONAL INVITE - local friends, a lyme awareness evening is coming to tsawwassen, BC and you are invited to attend! it is an evening that is designed to raise lyme awarenes...
1 day ago