Realization of Life Long Issues

I really honestly thought I had this disease beat...However, reality hits and it hits hard.

I am a fighter, no doubt about that! For if I wasn't then I would have stopped searching for the correct diagnosis at the first doctor instead of going through 17; finally getting the right one!

It's difficult when you have a disease that 1) the CDC denies the disease is real 2) Society is oblivious to it and if they know if it many are skeptical or ignorant of it 3) You have insurance yet it is of NO USE to you! 4) Majority of doctors refuse to treat it and/or acknowledge it

I am sad today. My sadness is due to many different issues.

I realize now that I was fooling myself into thinking that I had beat Lyme...LOL sort of like the placebo effect I guess...you tell yourself you're feeling fine and ignore the small stuff...like walking issues on and off, vision issues that come and go, slight tremors that are here and there and well the fatigue and all over daily pain.

Yes I am doing better than what I was two years ago...In 2010 I needed a cane at times to walk. I don't use a cane as of today...that is a huge improvement! And our stairs...they were my own private Mt. Diablo every time I had to go up them! I would take a step, grab the rail and pull to the next step; by the time I reached the top step I was so fatigued it was ridiculous!

These are huge, enormous improvements and have made the quality of my life so much better.

Is it wrong to desire yet more improvements? Or should I be satisfied with where I am at?

Daily I live with the fear that if I am reexamined for my disability coverage they might think I am fine and take it from me...This is a huge fear for me...because my disease waxes and wanes or in understandable terms it comes and goes...it's crazy making if you ask me!!

I get my hopes up...thinking I am fine only to be struck down and quickly reminded I am not. I look good, yet inside the battle continues to rage onward.

Welcome to Lyme Disease...so many others have it way, way worse than me. So many are bedridden due to this debilitating disease.

I am fortunate on so many levels yet frustrated and feeling robbed just the same...this is the realization of life long issues...As it has been said over and over again...

Once you have Lyme sadly you will always have Lyme